Aussie Raised, Cypriot Flavoured Pop Star

‘Baby girl, I said tonight is your lucky night, Peter Andre along wid Bubbler Ranx ‘pon de mic.’

Thus, with unrivalled eloquence, was launched the career of one of the finest pop sensations this country, nay the world, has ever seen. The 90s were great for reggae fusion. Shaggy, Inner Circle, Shaka Demus and Pliers, Pato Banton all championed the cause of dropping the letter ‘h’ where written and placing it unnecessarily before every word beginning with a vowel (‘there’s someting in her heyes like a spell, getting me ‘ipnotised’). Peter was right in amongst them. With his oiled, chiselled torso, laquered hair and oversized American sports apparel he was a sight to behold but he never reached those Mysterious Girl heights again. For years he languished in obscurity, while apparently Bubbler Ranx found work in Sainsbury’s in Lewisham, where his assistant section manager had a nightmare of a time keeping him off the Tannoy.

An appearance in the Jungle liberated Andre from the doldrums of a faltering career. A few years with Jordan were to follow, and like Scottie Pippen he played second fiddle for much of it. A ‘Junior’ and a slightly disconcerting looking ‘Princess’ later and the man was on the up. Now was the time to strike. I wanted to ride that wave, and what better way to do it than appeal to his forever giving charitable nature. He’s a busy guy though so this was a complete shot in the dark:

Dear Mr Howard,

I’m hoping for some information on the availability in the coming months of Mr Peter Andre. I’m pitching a selection of ideas for shows, all within an overarching ‘nursery rhyme’ season, and i’m optimistic that Channel 4 will eventually go with it.
The show I have in mind for Mr Andre is to be titled Peter Piper. Running for an intended six shows, the premise is that Peter will learn the bagpipes over the course of six intensive weeks, with the aim of a final charity performance with the Scots Dragoon Guards. I believe it could be a really fun experience with a great finish. Peter’s natural warmth and doggedness would shine through with such a task. 
I look forward to hearing from you soon

Come on, the man had his arm around a bloated bag of wind for almost four years of marriage. He’d be awesome at the bagpipes. Alas, I am yet to hear back, but I will chase it up.


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