Rylan in the Highlands

Unlike Las Vegas, Ibiza is not bound by the same entrenched codes of secrecy and thus, invariably, what happens in Ibiza does not stay on the once quiet, idyllic island. Some of the stories that stream back to me from the Med would make your eyes water. If you follow this blog you will be aware that I have an uncanny knack of knowing people who know people. From barmen and bouncers to maids, shopkeepers and cabbies I get my reliable info on the secret goings on of celebrities from sources far and wide. I myself seem to be somewhat of a beacon for forgotten celebs, be it buying a gold Blue Peter badge from a dishevelled Tim Vincent in my local shop or beating Marc Bannerman at air hockey in Trocadero. As a result I was unsurprised as I watched the rise of Ross Richard Clark, who some of you may know better as Rylan (seen here doing a quick breath check before the results in judges house’s on X-Factor).

I don’t only keep an eye on established celebs or ones whose careers have slumped. I also scout for upcoming talent, keeping ahead of the masses about which new vacuous goon will grace our screens. So when the stories started filtering back from friends who had met Rylan (then Ross) in Ibiza, I sat up and took notice. My friend was working as a promotions guy out there and had heard about ‘some fella in a Take That tribute band who is proper debauched’. He went to have a look and relayed the following story to me in an email which i’ve edited to only include the relevant parts:

Alright mate…yeah so we ended up in Charlie’s last night and they had this take that tribute guys on I was joking about before. There’s only four of them though (they’re called 4Bidden) as apparently the one who was Howard got accepted in the fire brigade so went back home. Anyway, Dazzler knows one of them and said we should hang about cos there might be some girls around and maybe a couple of free shots or something. They were actually alright singers, but fucking hell the gay one is an absolute loon mate. Said he once swallowed a condom and his dad had to do to the heimlich manoeuvre on him and he coughed it up on the couch, while his boyfriend looked on crying. FUCKIN RANK. I was cracking up to be fair but still. That’s not the worst of it though. Some one asked him ‘whats the weirdest place you’ve had sex?’ He goes, ‘in a skip, with a tramp’. Me and Biggles fucking burst out laughing and he screams, ‘WHAT?!!?…Don’t you dare fucking judge me’. He was offering Biggles out as well. Nutcase I swear.

So when he appeared on Signed By Katie Price and later on the X-Factor, I knew all about him. Dangerous man. In a skip? In a skip with a homeless guy. F**kin’ hell. Anyway, I wanted to get in touch with him with a show idea and see if I could lure him in on account of his palpable sense of desperation to be famous:

I’m hoping for some information on the availability of Mr Rylan Clark. I’m pitching an idea for a show to a variety of production companies and believe I will have a far greater chance of success if Mr Clark has already expressed his willingness to be involved. 
 
The show is to be titled Rylan in the Highlands. It would be a two episode special, the premise is that Rylan will train with Gregor Edmunds (former Highland Games World Champion 2007) with a view to entering a 2014 Highland Games events in Scotland. I am pitching the show on the weight of Rylan’s personality. His witty banter and no-nonsense style would work really well on screen with Gregor, I think. Rylan has really impressed me, whenever i’ve seen him on shows and though I know this is branching away from his musical focus, I would love to have him involved.

Again I think i’ve suffered from a timing issue as I’ve heard nothing back. The guy has 880,000 followers on Twitter, really what was I thinking? His career, good luck to him, is hardly on the decline and he’s presenting the Big Brother spin off and what not. His time will come though. But for now I watch with fondness as he blossoms.

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