Kerry Katona: Cat Owner

I’ve met Kerry Katona, albeit briefly, and she was very sweet. It was back in 2000, I was doing a temp stewarding job at an exhibition in Olympia and was manning one of the large hall’s back doors. Some of the celebrities that were doing short visits that weekend included then England goalkeeper David James and the soon to be genuinely famous, instead of just hyper and passably good looking, Atomic Kitten. My role was to make sure nobody came in or out of that door unless authorised. A team of three of us were on rotation at the back of the hall that day so I didn’t see the Kittens coming in, but I held the door open for them as they exited into a waiting car. Katona was the last to leave and as she bounded towards the open door she winked at me and said ‘thanks darling’. In that most monotonous of jobs, moments like that were an absolute blessing and a source of embellished boasting come home time.

Jump forward a few years and Katona had departed Atomic Kitten, leaving with a legacy of four top 10 hits, including a number one with ‘Whole Again’. She had left on account of being pregnant with Brian McFadden’s child. From Dublin, McFadden had played gaelic football with my cousin and was a promising left half back before fully investing in his music career. The two had remained friends and as a result I was privy to some of the mad stories from his early Westlife days, including some of his escapades with Katona.

For example there is the story about her being shown a promotional video from the Animal Liberation Front and going to a pet store in Dublin and buying as many kittens and puppies as possible to ‘set them free’. After about an hour of this brood of cuteness pissing and shitting all over her management’s Range Rover, she smuggled them all into Dunnes Stores and dumped them there before doing a runner. The writing was on the wall back then.

I needn’t expand on what’s happened to her career since then. The highs and extreme lows have been fully expounded by the tittle tattle press. She is z-list gold and I needed to at least have a crack at luring her into some madness. I knew the cat angle was my best way in, appealing to her Atomic Kitten glory days. I sent this over (with no mention of the moment we shared in 2000):

Hi Alex,
 
Im enquiring about the availability of Ms Kerry Katona for a charity show I’m hoping to put together for Channel 4 for the early quarter of next year. The show I have in mind is called ‘Kerry Katona: Cat Owner’ and will see Ms Katona trained under the tutelage of Oleksiy Pinko the renowned lion tamer and circus showman. She will learn all about controlling big cats and getting them to perform, as well as all the required elements of ring showmanship.
 
Six weeks of training would culminate in a final charity performance during which a variety of celebrities will be showcasing the skills they have learned. For example I am also currently in talks with Peter Andre about learning the bag pipes for a performance with the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.
 
I would be most grateful if you could let me know Ms Katona’s availability and potential interest.
 
Kind regards

Here is a picture of Oleksiy getting off with a lion. This obviously isn’t an opportunity to be sniffed at and I was vaguely optimistic they might go for it. In record time I heard back though:

Dear Patrick,
 
Thanks you for your email which I read with interest.
 
Sadly this is not something that we can consider at this time but the very best of luck with the show.

Best regards
 
Alex

I took solace in ‘sadly’. I know ultimately she wanted this gig. I have visions of Katona going ballistic at this Alex character saying ‘I wanna join the f**kin circus you c**t, make. this. happen!! You know I love animals’, and him putting the blockers on it as it’s not in line with his ‘vision’ for her. Some day I’m gonna get direct access to a celebrity and then they’ll be dancing to my tune.

 
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