Costa, Del, Sol: Antony Costa’s charity bike ride around the south of Spain – part one

Antony Costa

Let’s begin with a really quick refresher in case you’re reading this and don’t have a clue who Antony Costa is. He’s a member of what was once a very successful boy band called Blue that had three number-one albums between 2001-2004. In 2005, the lads checked out at the top and went on to do various solo projects. Costa took to stage acting and also featured in some reality TV shows, such as I’m a Celebrity. He also found time to launch a solo singing career, albeit a heartbreakingly unsuccessful one that saw him compete to be the UK’s entry in the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. He didn’t win.

By the time I decided to tease him Blue had reformed and were touring. Things were looking up for the lads once more. Some of them hadn’t fared as well as the multi-talented, industrious Greek-Cypriot from north London with the ‘i’ll do anything’ attitude.

Splashing the cash

I had wanted to target Antony Costa since the story of his pissing against a cash machine while simultaneously withdrawing money broke in 2011.

Antony Costa cashpoint pee

Splashing the cash: the multi-talented Costa withdraws money while urinating

I’d initially experimented with the idea of pitching a joint venture to Antony and his fellow Blue bandmate, Duncan James. They were to feature in an advert showcasing a collaboration between Costa Coffee and Dunkin’ (Duncan) Donuts. But it just didn’t feel ambitious enough. Even if they’d gone for it, I felt the idea didn’t have legs and would have fizzled out quickly. I was becoming more daring at this point. I felt in my bones that if I could just get my pitch to Costa right that the payoff would be great. Was I to be proved right?

The first email is always the hardest with these things. Email addresses from a standard provider like Gmail or Yahoo don’t give the agent any sense of who you are or what projects you’ve been involved in. It’s an immediate red flag. But if you can just get the door open enough, it’s easy to bluster on a bit further with each email that follows. I started this highly enjoyable celebritease by sending this over.

I’m enquiring about the availability of Mr Antony Costa for a charity show I am putting together for Channel 4, hopefully to be shown in the first quarter of next year. It would be part of a comprehensive list of performances with a variety of celebrities trying their hand at circus performing, musical instruments and stand-up to name just a few.

The idea I have in mind is to be titled ‘Costa, Del, Sol’ and would see Antony joining with Derek Acorah and Sol Campbell for a 500-mile charity bike ride around the southern coast of Spain.

I would be very grateful if you would let me know if this is something your client would be eager to take part in. It’s a very worthwhile cause and along with the other acts on the show would be guaranteed some great exposure.

I thought I might as well have a go at luring in Derek Acorah and Sol Campbell while I was at it. No story is complete without the inclusion of a footballer and spirit medium-cum-ghost hunter. So they got emailed, too.


Psychic medium Derek Acorah prepares to contact the spirits

Sol Campbell’s agent was having none of it and didn’t reply. Derek’s agent was willing to work a bit harder for his golden goose.

I would need some more details before discussing further with Derek. If you could help with details of the charity, production company, period in mind, timescale etc.

That sounded fair enough. Here you go sir, have some bullshit for your troubles.

The charities are Cancer Research UK, Macmillan and Great Ormond St. I work as part of a small independent creative team that draws up concepts, scripts and show ideas for a range of production companies. For this particular show we have been brought in by Twenty Twenty, who have worked on numerous factual shows for Ch 4, most recently the successful First Dates. They had a general idea about a large scale charity show and we have been sourced to come up with a range of varied segments. As regards filming dates and length etc it is quite fluid. The actual planned ride would be done over the course of a week, but of course there would be some filming and training required before that. They have stated they would like to have it all done by April/May so I think we would be looking at having the ride in February while the weather is rather cool and bearable for the three riders. Does Derek have any long distance cycling experience?

In the meantime, Antony’s hard working agent had gotten back to me.

Do you have a specific set of dates in mind for this bike ride? Please also advise on fee for Antony and which charity the artists would be raising money for – or would they be able to choose?

I replied with this fawning paragraph added to the same response I sent to Acorah & Co.

As for Mr Costa’s fee, what would he usually require for something like this? He is of course a much bigger draw than his proposed co-riders and this would need to be reflected accordingly. I would say that my seniors are very keen to have him involved and so I expect we can find a figure that is satisfactory to all parties.

The price of fame?


Antony undergoes a non-invasive fat-freeze procedure

Now, stop reading for a second and have a guess at what Costa’s fee would be? Got a figure in mind? Let’s see how close you got.

I could offer you Antony for £15k inc. Please let me know if that is satisfactory. As for the dates, Blue are doing promotion in Japan and the US starting in February however I am more than sure we can find a suitable week to work around.

I remember at the time being offended by what I saw as his lofty demands for a charity event. Looking back now, I guess it’s not that unreasonable. Anyway, the bait had been taken. It was now time to reel them in, with a very subtle slight to Messrs Acorah and Campbell’s popularity, or lack of, thrown in for good measure.

Thank you for facilitating this. After discussing with the organisers and financial team we would like to thank you for the offer and we readily accept. Antony’s participation will be vital to this particular aspect of the fundraising drive and so we are happy to work around his schedule. Mr Acorah and Campbell, understandably, have a more open calendar so whatever suits Antony, i’m sure, will suit the others.

I will be in touch further with details in the near future. To ensure the riders have the very best equipment we are working with our sponsors Specialized to have bikes custom made to suit the exact specifications of each person. I’m awaiting details of what information they will need precisely but it will be things like weight, height, inner leg measurement, foot size etc. This will enable them to build a bike that will make Antony most efficient when riding.

Would Antony Costa agree to start training for an imaginary cycling challenge? Would he send me a wide range of ridiculous body measurements in order for me to have a custom bike built for him? Would the spirits warn Derek Acorah he was being strung along? Find out in part two.


Jeff Brazier Says One Love to All Minority Groups


Unlike many young white guys who like football and have grown up in Essex, Jeff Brazier is not a racist. This is why he was first on my list for a new documentary feature I had in mind called ‘Why don’t black people drink that much tea?‘. Previous working titles had been ‘Why can’t white people clap in time?‘ or ‘Why do Oriental people not like chocolate?‘ but I thought tea was very British and opened up channels for discussion on identity and Britishness.

I like Jeff. I had played football against him a few times growing up and enjoyed his appearance on Channel 4’s Shipwrecked in 2001. I also saw him in panto in 2006 at The Central Theatre in Chatham where he played the role of Aladdin. About an hour after the show had finished he, along with some of the other cast members, came in to a pub I was drinking at. I approached him and said we had played football against each other a few times, and he was really open and friendly. Perhaps a bit too open. One story about his time on the Channel 5 show The Farm, alongside Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee had half the table retching into empty pint glasses. By all accounts, the miniature magician is an absolute depraved animal of a man.

With all this ‘history’ between us I though I would get in touch and so sent his agent an email:

I’d like to know about the availability of Jeff Brazier as presenter of an informative piece for Black History Month, that will be shown toward the end of this year. I have been commissioned by UKTV to come up with a variety of show ideas and this was one of the shortlisted entries, so i’m following up to check it’s viability.

The working title for the show is: ‘Why don’t black people drink that much tea?’: Exploring stereotypes in modern Britain’, and (all going to plan) will be co-presented by Gina Yashere.

It will involve a series of interviews with leading academics as well as street interviews with members of the public, garnering their personal experiences of outlandish stereotypes. We are hoping to promote inclusiveness and break down some barriers and think the potential dynamic between Gina and Jeff could be great. They both have that approachability and like-ability factor, which is vital to a show like this.

Ideally shooting would take place at the back end of summer and we were just wondering what Jeff’s schedule is looking like and whether he might be interested?

The following day I got this business-like reply:

In short; it’s of interest and we can work with his diary to make him available. However, I’d want us all to sit down together first to talk it through. It isn’t the most obvious enquiry I’ve ever had for Jeff so I would want to make sure we’re all on the same page before proceeding too far. Can you give me an idea of what you’ve worked on before, and what prod-co would be producing this?

This was new territory. This guy was legit, a real professional. Wise to the world and not ready to have his prize bull made a mug of. I didn’t have much to work with. He had given me his number and said to call him. He didn’t want to get involved in any email ping pong. So I replied:

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I’m currently in the States, so will give you a call to arrange meeting up when i’m back. To answer your questions, the show will be produced by Flame Television.

As for me, I started out as a researcher in the commissioning department at Channel 4 and then moved on to consultancy work with a variety of production companies and networks. I am now part of a small team, creating new and innovative documentaries and fact based series.

Shows I have been directly involved in the creation of include Supersize vs Superskinny, Diamond Geezer (with Danny Dyer), The Gospel of Gospel (with Mica Paris), Sticks & Stones (with Ashley Walters), just to name a few of my favourite projects.

To which he replied:

All sounding good so far so let me know when you’re back and we’ll meet up.

He hadn’t even clocked that i’d made up a show called Diamond Geezer. Maybe he wasn’t as sharp as I first thought. But what do I do next readers? Shall I meet them? Does one of you really want to meet Jeff Brazier? Let me know in the comments and if it’s overwhelmingly in favour, then maybe Celebriteasing will come offline into the real world for the very first time.

Blazin Squad’s Fire Safety Tips, Pt. Two

So, it’s been a while, but if you can’t remember we left off at having piqued the interest of Blazing Squad’s management and now it was a case of reeling them in. I told the agent it was fine that the ‘band’ wasn’t fully reformed and that it would probably be prohibitively expensive to have all 50 members clowning about anyway. Their website suggested only six original members remained, but the cheeky so and sos thought they could push for the inclusion of a mystery seventh member. I replied:

Six is fine, could you let me know what six of the original group it would be? If the potential 7th member was Kenzo or Striker that could be advantageous, but as I said, six is great. Those dates are ideal actually and if all goes well we might not even need them for the 7th, but we’ll see. Do you have an email for one of the guys I could possibly have? I would like to send through a script for them to peruse and we could really hit the ground running on the day.

Perhaps you weren’t a keen Blazin Squadder in your day and haven’t clocked the mistake up there yet. See, there is no ‘Kenzo’ or ‘Striker’, as the real names were actually Kenzie and Strider. That small piss take was a shot across the bow so to speak, a portent of what was to come. Alas, their busy agent didn’t pick up on it and so the email ping pong continued briefly before I got word that they were on. Now I just had to come up with some terms of agreement. Do you know how much a man has to pay six members of an early noughties rap boy band to do a make believe video for the NUS about fire safety? This much:

I think in total we would have the guys for around 7 hours in total. We would arrange transport and food and a fee of £600 each.

They were on it like a business of ferrets on a stick of rock (i.e. voracious, just take my word for it). It was, as the French like to say, le game on. Now the real fun began. I toyed with the idea of sending my dad down to Highams Park station to pick them all up in the back of his two seater van like a bunch of scally builders out for their first day on a new site. First things first though, I needed a date, time and location. I thought why not have them turn up at my old alma mater, King’s College, London. So it was all arranged. I was just waiting for the agent to confirm the names of the members who would be turning up, and in time I got this:

Names are;

Sam Foulkes
Oliver Georgiou
Marcel Somerville
Lee Bailey
Stuart Baker
Chris McKeckney

Errr, sorry what the fuck is this? Which one is Freek? Where is Reepa or Rocky B? She couldn’t legitimately think this was proper behaviour. They built their reputations on funky nicknames and now I was having to deal with a Marcel and an Oliver. Fuck off.

As it turned out I was a bit bored of it all and I had a trip to Lebanon coming up that needed a bit of organising for so I kind of forgot about it all. I had really planned on sending a very dorky script over, to give them the jitters about what they had actually signed up for, but before I knew it I was in Beirut and this had all but been completely forgotten about.

I don’t tend to check emails much when i’m away and when I did, I had some panicked messages in my inbox from their agent. I then realised the scheduled day of filming was only three days away. Shit!! I like to have a laugh, but I didn’t want to be a total dick, so I had to come up with something quickly, and it had to be good. I asked my brother to email this message:

Dear X,

I am emailing on behalf of Celebriteasing (not my real name) regarding the upcoming work he has scheduled with Blazing Squad. Unfortunately he has been detained by police in Monaco and we are not sure when or if he may be released. I have spoken with him very briefly on the phone and he has asked me to contact you to apologise and cancel the planned meeting and filming session. He will be in touch when he is back in the UK.

She was not happy and remarked loosely about the lack of professionalism and how I had let the boys down. Sorry what? I’m in the nick, love. No concern about my wellbeing, no sympathy for the monotony of my daily rations of baguette and brie. What a bitch. Anyway, it was of course quite some time before I was ‘released’. My time inside a make-believe Monacan prison has served me well, though, and I now had something masterly planned for a certain Antony Costa.

Blazin Squad’s Fire Safety Tips, Pt. One

There is a melancholy fatalism in some of the lyrics of Blazin’ Squad’s biggest hit, Crossroads, as Melo-D raps, ‘The way it is now is the way it’s gonna stay. There’s no choice left but to hope and pray’. Young Melo-D, real name Chris McKeckney, was described in 2002, by CBBC Newsround, as ‘the most talkative’ of the group, and I would like to venture that with that resigned attitude he was perhaps the most destructive influence on the career of the ten-piece rap crew that emerged out of the hardened streets of Higham Park in the early Noughties.

Even though those lyrics were penned more than a decade ago, I feared the complete lack of optimism and the absence of a belief in the mastery of one’s destiny may still be lingering in the minds of the Blazin Squad boys. So, I took it upon myself to make them believe there was hope yet and that Blazin Squad could burn hot once more. Perhaps not hot like an iron, but definitely like a strong radiator that you really shouldn’t lean against for too long. Thus began an episode of Celebriteasing that ran away from me.

I was familiar with some of the members of Blazin Squad growing up. Krazy (real name Lee Bailey who was given the moniker Krazy for antics that were so wild that ‘Crazy’ just didn’t cut it) and Strider (Mustafa Omer) were both keen runners and I would occasionally see them at training in Mile End and Victoria Park. Strider got his name as a result of a renowned burst of speed in the 400m, although back then we called him ‘Rikki Lake’, ‘Silly Sauce’, and my personal favourite ‘Fatter-Turk’, which was a play on ‘Atatürk’ the first President of Turkey. Strider always swore he wasn’t even Turkish, but we were never ones to let geography get in the way of good banter.

Krazy was actually a good middle-distance runner and I remember one hilarious incident that sums up his youthful exuberance and nutritional ignorance. We were up at Parliament Hill for a meet and I was geeing up some of the younger runners and noticed Lee drinking a strange looking concoction out of a soup container. I found out it was a pre-race mix drink he was trying out that was made up of Lucozade NRG, Red Bull, Gatorade, Nourishment and Dioralyte. The curdled mix left him in a right mess, and after the sugar crash we found he had vomited in his kit bag and was in no fit state to run. Talented kid though.

So when the Blazin Squad really emerged I was amused and pleased. It was good to see these guys having fun and what not. Their prancing and posing didn’t fool me though, and when it was suggested ‘that they were to So Solid Crew what S Club Juniors were to their senior counterparts, S Club’, I was in humored agreement. But, in their relatively short time in the limelight they amassed six top-ten hits so all credit was due to them.

It was back in August this year, while I was doing a bit of training at home, that I searched ‘psych up music’ on Youtube and got a bit of a shock. Alongside Eminem, Jorge Quintero and Fort Minor this particular compilation had ‘Here For One’ by Blazin Squad on it. This 2004 single had passed me by first time around, and indeed it was their last release before they first split. With the opening verse containing the lyrics ‘Cos we hip this hop this, y’all can’t stop this’, delivered with a totally unnecessary American twang, it is no wonder the crew fell apart soon after.

I sent my first email to their management agency almost straight away:

Hope this email finds you well. I’m enquiring about the availability of Blazin’ Squad for a project I have lined up. My small team and I are involved in video production, working primarily on educational or corporate training material. We have just been contacted by the NUS and Universities UK about producing a video that will be shown at universities throughout the country during Fresher’s Fairs. Whoever they hired previously has dropped the project and we have been asked to step in at the last moment and deliver something by the middle of September, which is why I’m getting in touch.

The video is to be an informative piece about fire safety in university halls. We want Blazin’ Squad to front this. I think the recent Big Reunion show has thrust bands/acts from the early/mid 2000s back in the spotlight, thus making the boys ideal for us to maximise the impact of this initiative. The target audience (18-20 year olds, generally) will remember the Squad and we’re planning on maximising this nostalgia effect. I have some great concept guys who have been working on ideas, but of course we’re open to collaborating with the boys about how we deliver the necessary information.

I would be very grateful if you could let me know if they are available soon so we can move this forward asap if possible.

I got a one line response back, but this one was different to the other one liners of rejection I had received in the past. This one smacked of the palpable desperation of an agent who has ‘celebs’ on his books that never throw up any work and who he doesn’t have the heart to get rid of. This line I could work with:

Hi, it sounds interesting, but the band are not fully reformed?

Oh my friend, trouble yourself not with such such trifling matters, I will take whoever you have. Whether that would mean another chance to wind up Fatter-Turk or not meant little to me. I was soon going to have some fun with the Blazin Squad.

Paul Danan: This Is Sparta


You know, weight plates don’t lie, and that’s why I used to get on with them so well. They tell you how things really are. It doesn’t matter how good or bad things are going for you outside of the gym, 100kg is a 100kg and that’s that. This is something Paul Danan knows and something I’ve spoken with him about.

You remember Paul Danan, right? He played Sol Patrick in Hollyoaks and on 2006’s Celebrity Love Island he was the comical bane of Sophie Anderton, who coincidentally is my favourite coke-head/escort/model ever (love you Soph). As a character he was engaging, as himself he is compulsive viewing. Never was there a celebrity who was more fitting for an attempted teasing. Especially since he had been sort of sidelined in the industry as a result of an incident in 2007 where, while tasked with turning on the Christmas lights in Preston, he shouted to the 3000 strong crowd, ‘Come on you motherf**kers…make some f**king noise!!’

So, back to the gym. It was in July this year that I was training in Legends Gym, Dalston (#legends #lightweightbuddy #nocontract) when I noticed a hulking Paul Danan racking up the bar for some bench presses. As I passed him he asked if I would spot him as he did ten reps of 140kg. This guy was serious and focused, training on his own, not there to talk shit, but just lift and go home. I liked that. His muscles were large and clearly defined. He reminded me of the character Boyka from the Undisputed films.

We spoke about training and our goals, and I said I recognised him from the telly. I think he was a bit sheepish for a while then, but we laughed about Celebrity Love Island and he relaxed again. He is a nice, engaging guy. He told me he runs a drama school, but then out of nowhere dropped a bomb. He said he could get me some ‘sauce’ if I was looking to go ‘nuclear’. I must be careful here, but I think he was offering me steroids. I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘mate, the only supplement I take is pain’. We laughed, but the awkwardness was there now and I made my excuses and left for the rower. I decided then that I would try to get him on Celebriteasing.

This is Sparta!


About a week later I sent this email to his management agency:

I’m hoping for some information on the availability of Mr Paul Danan in 2014.

The show I have in mind for Mr Danan is called This Is Sparta. It would involve residents of Sparta Street in Lewisham, SE10 living and training in the manner of Spartan warriors.

I’ve admired Paul since Hollyoaks and have actually had him in mind since 2005 when I felt he really showcased his no nonsense approach on Celebrity Love Island. I believe he would be a perfect host (potential co-host if Michael Wilson, formerly Cobra from Gladiators, comes through) for the show. I think Paul has a real approachability that would harmonise perfectly with the residents who get involved with the show. Much like Dermot O’Leary on X-Factor I think.

I would be grateful if you could let me know if this is something Paul would consider and if so what his availability is for next year.

I heard nothing for about a month, and then the agency head got in touch asking if it was still relevant and could I please send over a programme synopsis. I willingly obliged:

This Is Sparta

Have the excesses of modern living made us soft? Does the average person in the street have what it takes to become a fearsome warrior? Taking average, everyday residents from Sparta Street in Lewisham, London, SE10, this show follows ten men and women as they are trained to behave, live and fight like the famous warriors of Sparta, made famous by the Hollywood blockbuster 300. Historians, dieticians and personal trainers will all be on hand to assist their transformation, but can they do it?

I don’t believe there is a jobless TV presenter alive who wouldn’t want a piece of that pie. It’s like the Daz challenge on ‘roids. Knock on your door and promise you an eight pack and killer instinct. Where do I sign?

Paul’s agent was slightly more reticent than that though. And that’s cool, because I like the chase. I heard nothing back for a week so I told her I had a meeting coming up with Firecracker (a well-known production company) about the show and wanted to know if Paul was on board.

Hi, has this actually been commissioned? What are shoot dates please?

Oh please woman, stop wasting my time. We both know that he wants the gig. Stop playing at being a seasoned pro and tell me what I want to hear. Of course I didn’t mail her that. I figured this was more fitting:

The show hasn’t been fully commissioned yet. I am hoping to secure this at my upcoming meeting and from experience have found that they are usually more forthcoming when I present a holistic program rather than more conceptual ideas. Proposed shoot dates are February to June 2014. Thanks.

And of course I got what I wanted. It pays to be polite:

At this point, Paul is free & keen. This can obviously change but that’s the situation as it stands. What previous shows have you produced/had commissioned?

‘Free’; well I knew that. ‘Keen’; now that’s a word I like. I soon had an image of his cheeky grin enveloping his face as he read the WhatsApp message that told him that this could be his ticket back to the big time. I could practically see his swollen frame rippling as he chuckled to himself about his imminent return to the VIP area at China White. But then something struck me. What manner would his steroid-fuelled rage take when he realised another lead had come to nothing? Who would fall within his path of destruction. The man can bench 140kg for ten reps, he is capable of some serious damage. He could throw a fridge or something. Scary.

For this reason I decided not to reply. While I still wondered if this awesome show idea would ever come to life, my attention began to shift towards contemplating the morality of Celebriteasing.

Neil Buchanan: The Art of War

I once had a picture of mine featured on Art Attack and Neil said that he ‘liked my technique’. It was a charcoal sketch of a Spitfire that I did for the 52nd anniversary of the Battle of Britain, during my period of obsession with World War Two. As I’ve mentioned on this blog I have always liked Art Attack and Neil Buchanan. It was compulsive viewing for much of my youth.

I met Neil about five years ago in Lakeside. He was Christmas shopping with Herol Graham and Richie Woodall (both former boxing champions). I didn’t actually recognise him and initially approached the two boxers to say I had been fans of theirs. I asked Neil, who at the time I thought was a non-famous friend, to take the picture and Richie joked about him making it arty. It was only then that the penny dropped. I asked him and the guys if they wanted to play a game of Finders Keepers (an old show that Neil used to present). I said I would hide something in the men’s section of H&M and would give him and Herol the chance to rummage about for it. Neil thought it would be hilarious, but Herol said something like ‘I’m a big black man, who last boxed ten years ago, and wasn’t even that famous then, and you want me to go throwing jumpers about? Are you mad? They’ll lock me up, man!!’ We had a good laugh about that. Anyway, when Celebriteasing got going, Neil was always on my list.

He was actually a bit difficult to track down. His focus has turned away from TV and for the last few years he has been concentrating on working with his band, Marseille. Apparently he was kind of famous before Art Attack as an 80s rocker and wanted to relive those glory days. For some reason I couldn’t find an agent for him. Then I discovered a small site on which he showcases his art work and after a couple of emails I was asked by a representative to send through my show idea.

Dear Sarah,

The show I have in mind for Neil to present is called “The Art of War”. Part history, part art history and part art, each episode will focus on a particular war or battle with Neil discussing and exploring some of the associated art that came out from each conflict. I guess a classic example would be Picasso’s Guernica painting and the Spanish Civil War, but we have a wide range of historical battles we want to examine, some with less prominent work associated with them. The conclusion of each show would see Neil unveiling some of his own work, based on his feelings and understanding of the particular war of each episode. Ideally we would also like him to construct some of the giant art pieces he is so well known for, using either materials from shelled buildings and munitions (more modern conflicts) or museum pieces/replica uniforms or weaponry (older wars). We would be looking to get moving on this in the early quarter of 2014. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sometimes I think it’s evident that I am taking the piss. A show built around Brian Belo learning to play golf or Peter Andre getting to grips with the bag pipes pushes the limits of believability. But this show, this show is legit. I would genuinely watch it if it was ever made.

His representative actually seemed pretty keen but I hit a brick wall when he insisted we speak on the phone before he met up with Neil and pitched the idea to him. You see, I know nothing about the TV industry or how these shows are actually put together. If I’m asked a question by email I can sometimes research it and blag a response, but on the phone I would be exposed massively. Also there is the issue of translating it to here and making that work. I told him I couldn’t get on the phone as my hearing had been damaged during a diving accident, but he never replied.

I won’t waste Neil’s time by bothering him anymore. The man is a legend of 90s TV and deserves to see out the end of his career in a quiet and respectable way. Regardless, I had realised at this point that it was time to launch my most ambitious tease to date and I set about putting this into action.